And from the throbbing in my arm, I was very much alive. Well, that problem soon correct itself as Hank came in the room, saw I was awake, plastered on a big, relieved grin and asked how I was feeling. And that all by itself made me feel better. Don’t ask me why, cause I don’t know. Maybe it was the face of what I once feared looking at me and worrying about me that did it.

I still wasn’t in much of a talking mood so I just mumbled an Okay and let him check me over. Looking over my arm almost made me sick to my stomach. I had dug in deep with the knife and the cut was long and very jagged. And knowing me, it would scar up just as ugly. Right now it was slightly swollen and the lips of the wound where a scarlet red still weeping a little. Henry poked at it a bit and then taking a look at the readings of all the machines that were beeping over me earlier, bid me a cordial farewell, and left me to my thoughts again.

***

"Well, she’s awake and while not exactly smiling, I don’t think she’s too sad to still be alive." Hank was speaking to Xaviar, in his office, telling him the good(?) news. "Her arm should heal fine, although there may be some nerve damage. As for the rest? Only time may tell."

Charles took the news with relief in his eyes. Perhaps there was hope. "Do you think she would mind a visit from anyone? Jean is just about tearing herself apart over this, Scott is blaming himself for everything up to and including Jason’s death and everyone else is simply in a gloom over this. Maybe having her see people who care about her will help."

***

Alone with my thoughts I started to get restless. It had been about an hour since Hank had walked in and I was thinking too much about how I was feeling the last time I was in here. It was compliments of my father’s attempt to make me kill myself and the only reason I’d survived is because of what Jason had done to me get free. And then I was thinking about how Jason and I had spent hours talking about what we had done in what I can only really call a cult.

I whipped off the sheet, and sat up. Well most of the way. I was fairly light headed but I swung my legs over the edge of the bed anyway. They didn’t quiet reach the floor but they were close. Carefully sliding off the bed my feet hit the really cold floor tiles and I started to wish for socks.

Putting my weight on my not too steady legs, I figured I wouldn’t do too bad if I stayed near a wall. I grabbed an oversized terry cloth rob a very optimistic person had left there and started out the door, cradling my injured arm. Down the hallway up the stairs, turn left and head to the girls wing. I concentrated on being invisible for a while and when Storm passed me by and never noticed me I figured I was successful. This whole mutant power thing was still very new to me.

I finally reached my room and now exhausted, started on in. I didn’t get too far, ‘cause there was a stain on the beige carpeting. A large, reddish brown stain right in the middle of the floor. It looked like someone had tried to clean it, but they weren’t very successful and seeing it chilled me to my bones. I remembered a similar spill on a similar carpet in a small home in a small town where I had been sent by my father. It was a young family and the father was a mutant. I still remember the child’s drawings proudly displayed on the fridge in the kitchen. And the spreading blood on the light carpet as the father died from a gun shot to the heart. I ended up on the bed lost in memories for a few minutes.

Then I got up and went over to my closet and started to get dressed in some of the new clothes Storm and Rogue had gotten for me. I had never worn them before and they held no memories for me. There was a pair of loose black jeans and a few T-shirts. Carefully easing a white T-shirt with a huge yellow smiley face on it (it was better than Kiss Me I’m Italian) I started looking for an old jean shirt I’d seen that was left by a previous occupant. Again, it held no memories for me. Finally finding it, I unrolled and buttoned the sleeves and eased the heavy denim over the T-shirt. I wasn’t color coordinated but I didn’t really care.

And I left the room behind me. Walking down the hall, careful of my arm, I avoided everyone and every thing and went out into the grounds. By then, I relaxed, knowing that if they wanted to my adopted guardians could find me, but I hoped they weren’t looking for me yet. That I might be scaring them half to death didn’t really occur to me.

***

When Xaviar floated into the infirmary and looked at the empty bed, he just about died. Not again was all he could think. Having been alerted by Hank about the alarms on the medbed he went down and found Henry in a similar state of mind. Quickly calling all the X-men, everyone went to scour the mansion and the surrounding grounds. Finally Bishop called from the security station and reported he found her. She was out walking around on the grounds. As soon as Xaviar had the visuals patched in to the nearest screen he breathed a sigh of relief. She was sitting under a tree, in the sun, dressed in what looked like an old jean shirt from who knew where and the new jeans the girls had bought for her. Sending out a slight mental probe, he expected to find only the empty space that surrounded her when she was shielding. Instead he found her thoughts there and lost in the past.

***

^Charity?^ The thought sent to me was soft and quiet, pulling me out of the scene of Jason and I talking out here that had been playing in my mind. While I was in no means as powerful as Xaviar, I was still some type of telepath, or so they told me. I guess I could receive thoughts and maybe I could send them.

^Yes^

^Are you okay? You worried us when you left the infirmary like that^

I could here the genuine concern in his voice and perhaps a shadow of the fear still with him. I probably should have said something to someone, but I needed to get out of there and if they found me right away, they would have sent me back. But they cared enough that they were afraid for me. I could feel a prickle in my eyes that could be my undoing, so I took a deep breath and replied.

^I’m sorry, Professor, but the memories in there. Jason used to talk with me last time and I had to get out of there.^ Fortunately, telepathic speech didn’t have the same constraints as regular talking because I wouldn’t have been able to get past I’m sorry. The tears had started to flow, my throat choked up and I couldn’t have said a word if I wanted to.

^We just wanted to know that you were all right. Do you want someone to come and be with you?^

I could tell that he probably wanted me back where he could keep an eye on me but I still didn’t want to talk with anyone. This conversation was about as close as I wanted get to another person right now. ^I just need to be by myself for a while, if that’s okay^

^You can come inside, and kick Gambit out of the rec room if you want?^ A peace offering?

^It’s nice out here and I need the quiet. I’ll come in later.^ And I cut myself off from the connection before my thoughts, which were whirling around in chaos, filtered through to the conversation. The tears were still streaming down my face as I got up and started down a path.

***

Eventually, I headed back to the mansion. I was getting hungry and while the grounds boasted many things, edible plants weren’t one of them. Unless you got into Storm’s garden and she would kill me if I did that. So I headed back, quite slowly, and while still not ready to talk to anyone, I was unwilling to hide away from them any longer.

As I made my way to the kitchen, I peeked in and saw that Gambit was cooking supper. Must be later than I thought. He was busy chopping away at celery and stopped a moment to taste whatever was in the pot. Then he added what looked like a handful of red pepper flakes. Maybe I’ll get a sandwich and eat in my room. Thinking back to the stain on the floor, I figured I might want to eat somewhere else. By this time Jean had come up behind me and just about scared me to death when she laid a hand on my shoulder.

As it was, I still jumped and then bumped my now rather sore arm into the door jamb. Well, the tears I had finally managed to stop came flowing out again and Jean quickly bustled me over to a kitchen chair, had me sit down and I guess called Hank cause he showed up a few minutes later. Before he got there though, I just sat with the tears streaming down my face, unable to stop them. Gambit handed me a tea towel he had slung over his shoulder and when I didn’t use it, wiped my eyes off, held it over my nose and told Petite to blow, like I was two years old again. My mother used to do that. Gambit politely put the rather wet towel on the counter and picked up another.

I calmed down after that and, while still crying, managed to garble out that I was fine, I was just tired. Jean was still concerned and the lines around her eyes revealed she had been worried a lot recently. Worried over me? Well, I again affirmed I was fine and just sat in the kitchen watching Remy go back to cooking. About this time Hank showed up and was going to drag me back to the infirmary. Well, I was rather reluctant to go, so he had me take off the jean shirt and moved me over to the kitchen table so I had something to put my arm on while he looked at it. Carefully removing the dressings, he started to stare intently at it, so I let my eyes drift over to where Jean was sneaking a taste of whatever Gambit was cooking.

She took the wooden spoon from the counter, dipped it in and was blowing on it for a few seconds before she stuck it in her mouth. And then her eyes bulged. I mean really bulged. She ran to the fridge and grabbed the milk carton and was gulping it down so fast, there was a trickle dribbling down off her chin. All the while, Gambit was watching her and giggling in quiet until she put the milk down, empty.

"Dat teach you to sneak a taste while Remy be cookin’" Jean just glared.

"What on earth did you put in there? A bottle of Tabasco?"

"Jus’ a bit o’ red pepper, das all."

I couldn’t help myself, I was grinning from ear to ear through the whole episode. Well, I was until Hank pulled on a stitch and I hissed. Well, Jean rushed over, milk spotted shirt and all and Henry was properly contrite, but I didn’t mind. It was worth it.

***

Charles sat outside the kitchen wondering whether he should join the crowd or not. He had gotten there just after Hank had gone in and could still the streak of tears down Charity’s ghost like face. But there was already four people in there and while a very spacious kitchen, Charles wasn’t sure he could fit in there, chair and all. He was going to float on when he noticed Jean snitching from what was probably Remy’s infamous 5 alarm stew. It was a fairly new recipe that Remy had been trying and Charles wondered if Jean knew of it. She and Scott had been eating out at the boat house a lot the last few weeks. He wondered if Remy had added the pepper flakes yet. From the look of Jean’s mad dash to the fridge, he had.

His eyes passed over the kitchen and then stopped when he saw the smile on Charity’s face. She wasn’t laughing and was still as pale as a ghost, but she was definitely smiling. It was the first smile he had seen on her. But then Hank pulled a little to hard on one of the stitches and the smile was gone with a hiss of pain. Heading down the hall to his office, he became lost in his thoughts over what one smile could mean.